Coloring With Teal: Mock Draft Mockery 2017

The 2017 NFL Draft begins with Round 1 this Thursday. Today, the CWT is going to have a little fun skewering the mock drafts and propose our own thoughts on what to expect on Thursday, Friday, and Beyond.

It’s Draft Week!

As some of you may recall, Coloring With Teal kicked off last year and one of my earliest articles was on the Mock Draft.

Well, to be more accurate, I wanted to mock the drafting, not mock the draft. Does that help clarify things?

For my first run in February, I wanted to go broad and make fun of the teams and a semi-serious prognostication on their draft style. For my second article just before the draft in late April, I focused on the first round and my approach was, shall we say, maybe a bit zany. At the very least, I whiffed on most of my mockery picks, and I was way off on Chicago’s drafting of the famous self-propelled floor vacuum, the Roomba (in the first round).

An irreverent grab-bag of wild guesses

As I’ve mentioned in those articles, attempting to forecast the draft is silly at the outset. I’m not saying it is a waste to do so, because many of those articles inform us about the players in an entertaining, interesting way. What I am saying is that there are too many surprises in each draft, with 32 different ideas and philosophies and team needs and so on, to be able to accurately get inside their heads. Even the ‘gurus’ whiff on their mock drafts. How many mockers will get more than maybe a third of the first round correct?

And after the first round, it’s anybody’s guess. Take note, for example, that there are 1001 players registered for the draft. That’s one more than CBS Sports has ranking slots for! Anyway, without knowing anything about players, the probability of picking the right player for a team in the first pick alone is 1/1001. Statistically, without taking other teams’ selections into account, the number of possible draft predictions for the Jaguars’ eight selections is

1001! / (8!*993!)=a very, very huge number

of which only one will be correct (the “!” means factorial, which you can be reminded of here). I say this to a) point out the statistics and b) to show off my math skills. Nevertheless, we do enjoy the mock drafts that get put out there, and look forward to seeing them.

It’s just not my style.

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After bringing you articles this offseason that have been more serious in tone, I decided I wanted to open up the next phase of the offseason by letting loose a bit. Here’s how this works this year: I will do just enough research to know 1) which team owns a given pick, 2) what player is prognosticated by major draftniks such as Mel Kiper (Who?) and Gil Brandt (Who??) pretty much anyone else whose mock I click and skim over. Once that is done, I will either make a semi-informative remark or I will just make up whatever nonsense drifts through my brain at that moment.

Last year, the editors were not sure that my humor would be noticed as the irreverent grab-bag of wild guesses that it is, so they inserted a disclaimer. As my first act of insurrection, I will cut them off at the pass with:

Coloring With Teal’s Disclaimer of Content (CWTDoC):

This edition of CWT contains Safe-For-Work content that is not a serious attempt

to predict real, actual picks. Most of this content is likely made up and should be

viewed as such. In fact, it’s likely that you are reading this now because you have

already read all the other “real” mock drafts and Black & Teal features, and there

are no other articles left to read. Don’t worry, I’m just happy to get the clicks. -CWT

Now that that is taken care of, let’s begin.

player. 53. The first pick of the draft belongs to the Browns. Oh, you sweet, lovable, hapless Browns.<p>Well, maybe this year they really start to steer the ship in the right direction. They have two first-round picks, and are rumored to be trying to move up the second one. Here’s guessing they stick to the party line and pick the general consensus Number One Draft Prospect, Myles Garrett.</p>. Defensive End. Browns. Myles Garrett. 1

Oh, yeah, sorry–nearly forgot to mention something. Nearly every year there is a trade, a situation which is virtually unpredictable until just days before the draft, when rumors are more substantiable. Because trades are so unpredictable and I’m just a guy with zero “connections”, I will not be including any trades in my Mock Draft Mockery.

***TRADE ALERT*** ***TRADE ALERT*** In a surprise move, the Browns successfully trade with the San Francisco 49ers to move up to the second overall slot. I’ve seen many articles that have stated that there are no first-round-talent quarterbacks in this draft until the past month. In those pre-April draft prognosticative articles, they indicated no quarterbacks would likely be first-rounders. So, leave it to the Browns to pick a quarterback with their second pick in the first round. That worked out well before, right? RIGHT??. Quarterback. Browns. Mitchell Trubisky. 2. player. 53

57. The SI.com guys seem to perfer Safety Jamal Adams for this pick, while the NFL.com guys lean CB Lattimore, except for Charley Casserly, who picked Adams to go to the “Da” Bears. Wait, didn’t Casserly once work as General Manager for the Houston Texans? Well, then, let’s go with Marshon Lattimore!. Cornerback. Bears. Marshon Lattimore. 3. player

Jaguars. Leonard Fournette. 4. player. 52. Look, people are frustrated with Bortles, I get that. But Tom Coughlin will NOT reach in the first round. Furthermore, he has shown a preference for the defense during Free Agency. Finally, CoughCaldErrone have made it clear they are here to WIN. You don’t do that with a rookie quarterback. I believe they believe they can fix Blake, at least for this season. P.S.-a good running back will take a load off the QB, and is one of the few positions that have an instant impact on a team in a player’s rookie season. Leonard Fournette, COME ON DOWN!!!. Running Back

35. We’re already nearly off the rails from the prognosticators (who would have guessed that Browns trade at No. 2?) and only at pick #5. The NFL guys seem to think the Titans will go DE in the first round. I don’t really care either way. Hope the Titans lose. They are the Enemy. You know what? Forget about that, this is MY Mock Draft, so they are picking a Towel Boy.. Towel Boy (or Girl). Titans. Joe Schmoe. 5. player

30. Of course, once the dam has burst, there really is no reason for the fish to stay in the reservoir. This is a reference to picking QBs in the first round, and the Jets need a quarterback. Why not take Deshaun Watson? …..P.S. – That was a rather fun metaphor to come up with, wouldn’t you say?. Quarterback. Jets. Deshaun Watson. 6. player

Chargers. Malik Hooker. 7. player. 13. Sometimes, I get to a team and find I have very little to say about them. The Chargers moved in with the L.A. Rams, much to the chagrin (how often have YOU used that word in the last year?) of the Charger Fan Base, the San Diego city officials who did not build a new stadium, several pundits and even a few NFL Owners. Hmmm, how about that? I *did* have something to say after all.. Safety

When NFL.com, SI.com and Todd McShay can for the most part agree, I say go ahead and get that running back, Carolina!. Running Back. Panthers. Christian McCaffrey. 8. player. 87

Linebacker. Bengals. Reuben Foster. 9. player. 56. Did you know the Bengals are named after the Bengal Tiger, a native giant cat of the small Indo-Asian nation Bengal? So, instead of calling themselves a generic animal’s name, they were *very specific* about which tiger they were. Who doesn’t love that kind of detail? Therefore, you know the Bengals will certainly pick a linebacker.

10. player. 16. Remember when GM Doug Whaley didn’t know why former head coach Rex Ryan was fired? Well, on Thursday, after he takes the blindfold off and discovers his game of “Pin The Tail on the Draft Prospect” accidentally selects the Janitor’s closet as their 2017 NFL Draft Pick, Doug has a laugh, shakes it off and recovers enough to bring in some wide receiver help for QB <a rel=. Wide Receiver. Bills. Mike Williams

15. There was a brief period of time back in December and January during which Saints head coach <a rel=. Cornerback. Saints. Marlon Humphrey. 11. player

Patrick Mahomes. 12. player. 42. ***TRADED FROM NO. 2 SLOT WITH BROWNS*** So, Jed “Hi, my name is Jed” York swept out the last remnants of their playoff glory days by dismissing GM Trent Baalke and letting Quarterback Question Mark <a rel=. Quarterback. 49ers

13. player. 32. Lucky number thirteen. So, NFL.com has the Cards picking QB Patrick Mahomes in the first round. *ahem* *cough*. Seriously? No, the Cardinals are a good team these days, with a good set of decision makers in the Arizona Desert. They are not picking a QB even if they have concerns about QB <a rel=. Defensive Lineman. Cardinals. Jonathan Allen

Wide Receiver. Eagles. John Ross. 14. player. 54. Philadelphia is still trying to scrub the stain left by Chip “I can coach in the NFL” Kelly’s tenure. I think they’ll go for a receiver. Don’t forget, I’m just picking names by now.

46. Indianapolis and the Season of Doubt. Remember when <a rel=. Defensive End. Colts. Derek Barnett. 15. player

26. Baltimore finished 8-8, and still has much of the team from last year. They’ll probably want to continue to rebuild their offense around QB <a rel=. Wide Receiver. Ravens. Corey Davis. 16. player

18. player. 35. Wait, they have a SECOND pick in the first round!? What?? That’s it, they are getting a dishwasher this time. From a bad restaurant. Hold on, just got an email……..ok, apparently, I have to pick *real* draft prospects. Fine. They pick a linebacker. But he’s outside, so that’s something.. Outside Linebacker. Titans. Charles Harris

Buccaneers. Cam Robinson. 19. player. 48. Straight up, I picked this directly from SI.com/The MMQB Guru and general nice guy Peter<a rel=. Tackle

45. Ryan Ramczyk. Ryan Ramczyk. Ryan Ramczyk. Ryan Ramczyk. The words have lost all meaning. Also, my lips were not able to keep up. Try it yourself (fun, isn’t it?). Anyway, this season’s first Stan-Lee-esque alliterative name is picked by the Denver Broncos, mostly because NFL.com is in agreement with Peter King, and because his name really does sound pretty cool. Ryan Ramczyk of the Denver Broncos!. Offensive Tackle. Broncos. Ryan Ramczyk. 20. player

21. player. 50. Detroit picks a linebacker. What else is there to say? It’s Detroit. (no disrespect to the Detroitians out there, just that I can’t think of anything to say about Detroit)(Detroit Word Count: 5). Linebacker. Lions. Jarrad Davis

59. The Little AFC East Team That Could finally did and made the playoffs in 2016, with a previously questionable quarterback guided by a strong and steady new head coach regime (sound familiar, Negative Nancies?). When I looked at the players available I saw Taco Charlton, and figured that this was the perfect stop to randomly put him. Taco in Miami, this has to work. You know those jerseys will sell. (CWT note: Is that racially insensitive? It’s not meant to be, just good friendly fun. Let me know in the comments!). Defensive End. Dolphins. Taco Charlton. 22. player

Offensive Tackle. Giants. Garett Bolles. 23. player. 31. The New York Football Giants are too dignified to make decisions to make fun of their in-stadium little brothers, the New York Jets. But wouldn’t it be fun if they drafted OT Bolles just so they could say that they have a Bolles (Bowles) too?

28. I rather like that <a rel=. Linebacker. Raiders. Haason Reddick. 24. player

Whew….there are a lot of picks in the first round! How many are there this year? 32? All right, let’s continue….

25. player. 10. You just know that <a rel=. Offensive Guard. Texans. Forrest Lamp

26. player. 36. Seattle knows that while they have good things going in the offense, the defense is their bread and butter. I expect them to keep stacking their defense with a cornerback.. Cornerback. Seahawks. Tre'Davious White

Gareon Conley. 27. player. 124. The NFL.com/SI.com prognosticators keep prognosticating that good teams will be spending their first rounders on quarterbacks in an admittedly weak class. Good teams are good because they make good decisions, and bad teams struggle due to dumb decisions. The Chiefs aren’t going to pick a QB to succeed <a rel=. Cornerback. Chiefs

Adoree Jackson. 28. player. 123. You know that Walking Dead Mascot <a rel=. Cornerback. Cowboys

You just know that J.J. and T.J are sitting together waiting for the Texans to draft Li’l Brother when Houston passed him over. So, while J.J. is on the phone asking Coach why they didn’t want T.J., he nearly misses Green Bay calling for the lineman. At least he’s headed to a good team!. Offensive Lineman. Packers. T. J. Watt. 29. player. 49

Tight End. Steelers. Evan Ingram. 30. player. 55. Big sigh of relief when QB <a rel=

31. player. 44. Atlanta continues to deepen their roster. Good job, fellas!. Cornerback. Falcons. Kevin King

15. The Saints finish the first round with a DE. Let’s see if two first-rounders will help them get back to those pesky elusive playoffs.. Defensive End. Saints. Takkarist McKinley. 32. player

So, there you have it, readers! A totally useless but hopefully amusing Mock Draft Mockery for your pleasure ahead of Thursday’s draft. If I have time, I’ll write a quick remark after the Jaguars pick in the first round and toss a couple of thoughts towards Friday’s 2nd round.

“Prognosticator” word cound: seven (7). See if any of you can beat that.
See you soon!

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