THE OTHER 31: Week 2

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#21. (21) Denver Broncos (0-1): Everyone wave goodbye to the Cheifs’ Quarterback coach for 2011, Josh McDaniels. Hope you enjoyed your stay in DUUUUUUVVVAAALLLLLL.

#22. (25) Washington Redskins (1-0): Aggressive, opportunistic defense. Offense looked completely lost on the field. The only player in mid-season form was Clinton Portis. Not on the field, but with his hilarious comments about the inevitable chemistry between female reporters and a bunch of butt-naked athletes.

#23. (24) Arizona Cardinals (1-0): Cardinals, if the Raiders had not just proven themselves to be the same ole Raiders, do not think I would have moved you up for a last-minute win against the Rams.

#24. (19) Oakland Raiders (0-1): It took the Raiders the same amount of time to revert to their old ways as it takes Al Davis to count the number of people who have told him he’s a handsome and talented personnel manager.

#25. (23) Carolina Panthers (0-1): Snorefest. Borefest. Concussed Matt Moorefest. We weren’t expecting much except for a big running game, but I’m calling it now – Jimmy Clausen is 2010’s Brady Quinn.

#26. (29) Seattle Seahawks (1-0): Before all of you Pearl Jam fans get excited about the Pete Carroll era, just look at the escape act he pulled on USC. Reggie Bush has to give back his Heisman, no bowl games or scholarships for two years, and Lane Kiffin is their coach for the foreseeable future. But it’s cool, I’m sure he’ll leave the Seahawks better than he found them.

#27. (30) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-0): Who wouldn’t want to start their season against the Browns. Hope springs eternal in Tampa, but everyone is too busy watching the Rays.

#28. (28) Kansas City Chiefs (1-0): You don’t fool me and you’re not movin’ anywhere – the Chargers always start slow. The audacity of some who said that Cassel’s success in New England proved that Tom Brady was a system Quarterback. Shame on you.

#29. (26) Cleveland Browns (0-1): Same old Cleveland? Worse – because unfortunately for them Jake Delhomme is their $7 million Quarterback. Why his salary isn’t at least partially subsidized by all of their opponents this season, I don’t know. Seems fair to me.

#30. (27) Detroit Lions (0-1): The Rams may be hopeless, but the city of Detroit is clearly doomed. Stafford is out for a few games with a shoulder injury and they lose on a Touchdown that wasn’t a Touchdown on the last play of the game.

#31. (31) St. Louis Rams (0-1): Sam Bradford has a legitimate NFL skillset. He can throw the ball deep, which is a skill he’ll need often when he’s routinely behind three touchdowns in the fourth quarter.

#32. (32) Buffalo Bills (0-1): The Bills are about as exciting as getting clothes on Christmas. 4 yards per pass attempt. 3 yards per rushing attempt. I think attempt is about all you can call them.

– Andrew Hofheimer