THE OTHER 31: Week 2

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You once knew them as Power Rankings. Henceforth, they shall be known as THE OTHER 31. They are slanted, they are biased, they are a completely unfiltered look into the Jaguars’ competition around the NFL. I hope you love them. I hope you hate them. I’ll field your arguments in the comments section.

#1 (1 last week) New Orleans Saints (1-0): Defense looked stout, Offense looked about as explosive as a box of Snap-n-Pops. Party’s over boys, time to start the season.

#2 (4) New England Patriots (1-0): “Randy being Manny”, as one writer described the postgame rant. He claims he just wants to be told he’s doing a good job, which I’m pretty sure is code for PAY ME. Speak not against the Empire, Randy.

#3 (3) Green Bay Packers (1-0): This O-line lets Aaron Rodgers get beat like a red-headed stepchild. He’s gonna end the year with at least a handful of concussions, a broken jaw, cracked ribs, and a shattered tibia. But he’ll play through it, never missing a game, end up addicted to Vicodin, and then win the Super Bowl next season, just to be like his idol.

#4. (2) Indianapolis Colts (0-1): Peyton Manning throws almost 60 times for 430 yards and 3 TD’s and you manage to LOSE? Don’t let the close score fool you, it never looked like they were going to win. ARIAN FOSTER of all people puts up 220 yds and the Texans aren’t even a running team. Ironically, the last time the Colts had the worst rushing Defense in the NFL, they won the Super Bowl.  Go figure.

#5. (5) Dallas Cowboys (0-1): Fortunately for the Cowboys (because they desperately covet my approval), I am a reasonable man and will not drop them to Raiders-esque levels after just one week. The race is long and many Offenses looked out of sync for their first game. Wade Phillips’ heart skips a beat every time Jerry walks in the room.

#6. (6) Minnesota Vikings (0-1): Retirement’s sounding pretty nice right now, huh Brett? Playing on a twisted ankle and having Defenses gunning for you to see if your old bones can take a pounding for 60 minutes isn’t quite as relaxing as taking the millions of dollars you had earned over the previous 19 seasons and going fishing or riding around on a tractor all day, IS IT NOW?

#7. (11) Houston Texans (1-0): Enjoy this week, Texans – everyone thinks that your win over the Colts has already put you in the playoffs. The timebomb’s a-tickin’ though. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

#8. (8) Baltimore Ravens (1-0): Ugly, ugly win against Fleshy Rexy & the Hard Knocks.  Anquan Boldin still has an admirable lack of respect for his body and this Defense might just have their Swagger back after all.

#9. (7) Cincinnati Bengals (0-1): The Bengals kissed the baby before the first half was over. For a Defense that has the personnel to be a top unit, that was a powderpuff effort. Perhaps everyone was spending the last week tying up their legal proceedings before the season started instead of gameplanning for the Pats.

#10. (13) Miami Dolphins (1-0): The Dolphins were the only team who benefited from a 5 week preseason and eeked out an ugly division win with punishing Defense against the bottom-drawer Bills.