THE OTHER 31: NFL Power Rankings, Week 1

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#21. Arizona Cardinals (1-0): Kevin Kolb is certainly a major upgrade over the Max Hall/John Skelton/Derek Anderson clown show of 2010, but how far can a defense take you that allows a rookie QB who’s been with his team for one month and has had no time to learn an NFL-caliber playbook to pass for 400 yards?

#22. Miami Dolphins (0-1): They might just have something in Chad Henne after all. Sure, he was playing from behind and had an underwhelming Patriots secondary to pick apart, but it’s progress. Looks like the offense rests solely on his shoulders, because the running powerhouse that once one is dissolved – Reggie Bush don’t go between the tackles and your powerful rook isn’t ready to see the field yet. Reggie Bush Wildcat time?

#23. San Francisco 49ers (1-0): Coach Harbaugh probably one this one just to make it look legit when they end up with the #1 draft pick and they take his boy, Andrew Luck.  You gotta beat the Seahawks just to keep some semblance of pride.

#24. Kansas City Chiefs (0-1): I cannot WAIT for a public Todd Haley meltdown. Just wheels-coming-off, staring into the abyss of an insane man, hysterical meltdown. Denny Green, but far, far worse. You know that dude is a timebomb just waiting to blow up on whatever undeserving minion crosses his path.

#25. Indianapolis Colts (0-1): I’ve had to deal with the Colts long enough to know that Peyton can pull them out of pretty much anything, but until he returns, down here with the losers they’ll remain.

#26.Tennessee Titans (0-1): I don’t think they’re as bad as they looked Sunday, but Hasselbeck looks old and Chris Johnson keeps reminding us that if you can contain his big runs, you can reduce him to a wholly ineffective force. The O-line is strong and will be a focus with Munchak at the helm, making both Hasselbeck and CJ2K much better than they would behind a bad line. The Flaming Thumbtacks have lost their edge and I never thought I’d say this but I truly miss Jeff Fisher and his villainy…made for great theater.

#27. Minnesota Vikings (0-1): They just crawl deeper into the quicksand every year. McNabb isn’t solving any problems and it appears that the Shanahans weren’t playing games when they benched him in favor of Sexy Rexy. 37 yards? Is that even possible in a full 60 minutes when your base formation isn’t the Wing-T?

#28. Denver Broncos (0-1): Well, you may not have McDaniels around anymore, but you’re living with all of his mistakes. Once John Elway forcefully suggests after the 2011 season that Tim Tebow “resign” from the NFL and begin his life as a Missionary/Moyle in the Phillipines, that will pretty much be the last of the McDaniels draft picks. After running Brandon Marshall and Jay Cutler out of town, that’s a helluva black hole he left in Denver.

#28. Carolina Panthers (0-1): Cam Newton is a tremendously, tremendously talented athlete and has one impressive arm. However, and I’m sorry, but I hope the Panthers never win because I can’t stand his press conferences. All of the responses are just completely canned and delivered with less sincerity than a “Get Well” card from Snooki’s publicist after she gives you herpes.

#30.Cincinnati Bengals (1-0): Good for you Carson Palmer, for sticking to your guns. It has to be soul crushing to be as talented as Palmer and spend your entire career either be rehabbing a destroyed knee or squeaky elbow AND be playing for the most dysfunctional collection of players, coaches, and organizational leaders ever assembled under one franchise. It may be a whole lifetime of wondering what could have been out on the golf course, but that’s a helluva better than coming back each year only to beat your head against the wall.

#31. Cleveland Browns (0-1): Dude. You couldn’t beat the Bengals. THE BENGALS. Disgusting. The only positive is that Colt McCoy has clearly been taking steroids in the offseason. No one is convincing me that he’s done enough weight lifting to suddenly throw it 50+ yards while being chased out of the pocket at full speed and being taken down as he’s throwing. This is a guy that couldn’t put enough mustard on the ball to get it outside of the hashes on an 8 yard down-and-out last year – Mr. Goodell, SOMEBODY TEST THIS MAN.

#32. Seattle Seahawks (0-1): There’s not a single player on this team to like and Pete Carroll is a joke of an NFL Coach/Personell Manager. He rolls the dice on Charlie Whitehurst last year and when it comes up Snake Eyes, he tries to rectify the quarterback situation by signing Tavarius Jackson??? C’MON MAN!

– Andrew Hofheimer