Friday Facepalm: Thank You, James Harrison


Our resident satirist and hate-expert, Rad Murphy, is currently on furlough – to mentor and educate the young minds of America. If you take issue with this as I do, I suggest you follow my example and write your local government Representative. I’m going to venture into Rad’s wheelhouse for a second and resurrect Friday Facepalm in honor of everyone’s favorite company-man, James Harrison. As if grabbing his ankles, spreading his cheeks, and pointing his brown eye at the President weren’t enough, Harrison has now aimed his profound and tactful remarks towards his employer and coworkers. Let’s take a deeper look into the insight of our modern-day gridiron Aristotle…

"“Up until last year, there was no word of me being dirty — till Roger Goodell, who’s a crook and a puppet, said I was the dirtiest player in the league,” Harrison said. “If that man was on fire and I had to piss to put him out, I wouldn’t do it. I hate him and will never respect him.”"

Well…umm…that doesn’t leave much to imagination. As most of you know by now, Harrison stopped attending grade school after 3rd grade to begin training for his career in the NFL by joining the Vick Bros. School of Dogfighting, where he went 41-0 against a wide array of Pit Bulls, feral wolves, and of course, Honey Badgers. Fortunately, Harrison completed potty training before graduating from Vick Bros. and did not mistake Goodell’s ginger complexion for actually being aflame. Which reminds me, when’s the next R. Kelly album due out?

Harrison then proceeds to blame the Steelers’ Super Bowl defeat on everybody, but the defense, calling Rashard Mendenhall a “fumble machine”. Interesting choice of words, given his two fumbles in 324 regular season carries. Moving onto the face of the franchise and chivalrous quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, Harrison thanked him for throwing interceptions and “asking the D to bail you out again” and told him to just “hand the ball off and stop trying to act like Peyton Manning…you just get paid like him”. Well, good thing Harrison’s not a wide receiver, because those are the kind of remarks that end up popping into your quarterback’s head next time he’s trying to place the ball as you run a crossing route in front of a blood-thirsty safety.

But he had some really nice thing to say about Troy Polamalu…so it’s all good.

– Andrew Hofheimer