Your Favorite Jaguars, in Beer Form
Before I get started, let’s break down the “4th wall” for a minute – is this an awesome picture OR WHAT?!?! Someone has to find this and make it the mandatory tailgating beverage of the Jacksonville Jaguars. The internet never ceases to amaze me – I punch “jaguar beer” into Google to see what turns up and BOOM! I’m blessed with this absolute gem. Gotta love it. So it’s Sunday Funday – the Sweetwater is flowing and I thought it’s time that your favorite Jaguars were paired with their ethanol elixir equivalents. So without further adieu…
- Maurice Jones-Drew: FOUR LOKO
Yes, the face of the franchise is the dirtiest of the dirty dirty – FOUR LOKO. Why? Well, obviously not because of the can’s tall stature. For those unfamiliar with FOUR LOKO’s ascent into the limelight, this malt beverage infused with myriad ambiguous and likely illegal stimulants rose from the unknown and into the national spotlight at a meteoric rate after being proclaimed unsafe by the FDA. Many a fratstar trying to tackle FOUR LOKO has been smote with a fermented fury by this 12.0% gravity beverage – the sheer power and energy contained in this drink was not something they were expecting in a mere 24 ounces. Jones-Drew was passed over by every team in the first round in 2006 and has been making opponents pay ever since with his volatile mix of speed and pocket-sized power. Jones-Drew breaking ankles and bowling over fellas twice his size on his way to 63 all-purpose touchdowns in only five seasons.
- David Garrard: Natural Light
Is Natty Light the sexiest beer in the world? I’m not even going to lie to you, despite my own personal beliefs – no, it is not. Natty Light has never led the Beer Leagues in taste, smoothness, or scoring drives (Liquor’s always gonna win that one), but Natty Light has been there for you for every type of occasion and denouncing Natty would make you a hypocrite. No one can claim that Natty didn’t at least help get them where they are today. You may not build a franchise around it but dammit, YOU CAN WIN WITH NATTY! David is never going to be the best, never going to elite, but look – if you have a couple of kegs of Natty, some great tunes, some sexy ladies, and plenty of protection – that can be a great party and thusly, David Garrard can win with some run support, some dangerous receivers, and yes, ample protection.
- Terrance Knighton: Guinness
This barely needs any explanation. Guinness is of course, a Stout and trust me, it clogs the middle. This full-bodied brew is not necessarily the most popular or well-known beer, but to the connoisseurs of the drinking world, it is one of the most appreciated and consistent offerings out there. Our own Pot Roast is no different, under appreciated to many, but to those who know the game of football, he is obviously the rock of the Jaguars’ defense and the type of dependable workhorse who can become a cornerstone of the team.
- Mike Thomas: Samuel Adams Boston Lager
Mike Thomas is a pretty confident guy and it shines right through his words, his body language, and his cocky press conference smirk. He is used all over the field by the Jaguars: in punt returns, on deep routes, in underneath passes and bubble screens, and occasionally on the end-around to spread the defense. Like our own M80, Sam Adams is quite brash when speaking about their product. They pull no punches and boldly proclaim to be the best beer in America. They take pride in their recipe and will stick all of their awards and acclaim right in your face then pledge to keep doing what they’ve been doing – delivering the goods. Also like Thomas, Sam Adams is known for their incredible variety and have a deep product offering with perrenial favorites like the Sam Adams Summer Ale, Nobel Pils, Winter Lager, Holiday Porter, and Harvest Pumpkin Ale – and they get better every year.
So what are some other Jags’ alcohol alter-egos?
– Andrew Hofheimer