Welcome back to the second edition of Friday Facepalm. Fortunately for us, the Jaguars and local media were on their best behavior this week, so my thoughtful commentary will broaden its horizons. Today we will review the attention whoreish offseason of Chad Ochocino as well as marvel in the intelligence and decision making of Braylon Edwards.
First up, let’s check in on one of my least favorite players in the league. It has become apparent that Chad Ochocinco is unable to go any significant amount of time without reminding the world that he is a douchebag extraordinaire. I will admit his post concussion interview was awesome and endearing, but only because I enjoy laughing at the misfortune of others. But ever since he changed his last name from Johnson to Ochocinco, I have wanted nothing more than for him to hop in the bed of a pickup truck and continue in the legacy of other Bengals wide receivers.
This past season, Chad put up pretty mediocre numbers: 67 receptions, 831 yards, and 4 touchdowns. Even though he was inactive the last two weeks of the season, he still only broke 100 yards receiving in week one and week seven. So from my perspective, this offseason has been about proving that Chad can be terrible at more than just football. In March, he tried out for the Sporting Kansas City (this is the name of a team, no wonder no one cares about soccer) of Major League Soccer. Unsurprisingly, Chad was less effective on the pitch than he was on the field, and did not make the team. Coach Peter Vermes described Ochocinco as a “class act” and “excellent in the locker room”, which indicates that either Chad is blackmailing Vermes, or they were bumping uglies behind closed doors. In the end, Chad was made an “honorary member” of the Sporting Kansas City, a polite way of conveying Ocho’s underwhelming performance and soccer’s need for someone to care.
After failing in Kansas City, Ochocinco decided to take on the only sport less popular than soccer: bull riding. With many media pundits arguing about the risks of players getting injured in player organized practices, Chad decides to up the ante and strap himself to a 1,500 pound beast that is pissed off due to the fact that a rope is tied firmly across its testicles (no this isn’t an Albert Haynesworth reference). The Professional Bull Riders offered him $10,000 just to attempt to ride a bull, most likely hoping that a lethal goring would occur. But by the big day, Chad had made $200,000 in sponsors. And he only stayed on the bull for 1.5 seconds, barely clearing the starting chute. Are you furious about this as well? To put it in perspective, J.B. Mauney, who won the competition, received only $40,330 for actually riding a bull. The only people more deserving of death are the ones who coughed up that sort of money. I hate you all.