Last offseason, I did a post about “Your Favorite Jaguars, In Beer Form”. Well, it’s already the offseason and I’m already bored, but everyone loves the Super Bowl Commercials, so let’s check out your favorite Jaguars IF THEY WERE SUPER BOWL ADS (/unnecessary caps and the heightened drama that they entail)!!!!
- Volkswagon, The Dog Strikes Back – Terrance “Pot Roast” Knighton
Terrance Knighton has been inspired by promises of a rich, long-term contract if he can show up to training camp at the lean, mean weight that the coaches expect him to play at. Pot Roast plays his best when he’s (considerably, for a DT) lean and he’ll be working hard this winter so he’s lookin’ sexy come spring.
- Bud Light, Weego the Rescue Dog – Jeremy Mincey
Jeremy Mincey bounced around three teams’ practice squads in 2006 before finally landing with the Jaguars, so he’s a bit of a “rescue project” in his own right. After a few years of training in Jacksonville’s system, he’s turned into a solid producer. Like Weego here, he’s definitely not a “purebread” as a pass rusher, but he gets the job done with heart and hustle.
- Honda, Matthew Broderick’s Day Off – Aaron Kampman
Aaron Kampman is a the classic movie that everybody loves, but like the aging Ferris Bueller, he’s starting to show his age as his body has now let him down three season in a row. He’s playing hookie on gamedays and from practice and if he keeps it up, he’s gonna get expelled.
- Cars.com, Confident You – Blaine Gabbert
Our young leader Blaine will be busy studying up on Coach Mularkey’s new playbook and the film from last year and should return to camp confident and ready to prove the doubters wrong. If he shows up with a second Blaine having sprouted from hi shoulder, I doubt the women of Jacksonville will be complaining.
- Chevy Silverado, Apocalypse – Mel Tucker and Joe Cullen
Pretty simple, here. Mel and Joe are the only coaches to survive the mass exodus of the Del Rio gang.
Hope yall enjoy…
– Andrew Hofheimer